Thu_Feb_28_04:00:50_PST_2019

Where would I be without my meso circle? You have been there for so many years, long before I actually started to blog and I do appreciate the friendships we have made, the emails we share
ￂﾠ Even though I have never met many of youￂﾠI feel that we have all been together fighting this battle together
ￂﾠ We pick each other up at times of need, show empathy when required and make each other laugh with the odd joke or comment on normal life
ￂﾠ Part of me wishes I had started the blog a long time before, but I wasn't sure how to create one, but there again through chemo I think I may have wrote comments that would turn everyone against even trying it
ￂﾠ Hubby and I were discussing chemo last night and how I will feel during it
ￂﾠ He said if I had wrote about it then maybe I would stay well away from it, which made me say something like "When I'm gone you can always read my blog if you want to remember something" didn't that sound cold and heartless
ￂﾠ I have to admit that I am actually terrified this time round, I know that before the operation in 09 I thought my time was here and that I was facing my last few months of life, but I still had the option of surgery and I don't think I felt as desperate as I do now
ￂﾠ Three years later that thought is always in my thoughts
ￂﾠ During the years of 04 to 09 I knew I had the option of surgery in the background, now that the operation is no longer an option - been there done that - its back to chemo or trial
ￂﾠ Then its the - what if the trial doesn't work will I be well enough for chemo - if I do chemo first what if it doesn't work and I have nothing left
ￂﾠ I know that many go through these same thoughts
ￂﾠ My friend Danny tried chemo again but it didn't work and he died, bravely I may add, he took it on the chin and ensured he made the last few months of his life memorable
ￂﾠ I don't think I can do that, I haven't that courage inside
ￂﾠ I am truly scared of dying, the pain that will make each day worse, the fear of being stuck in a nightmare once they decide I need a driver pumping me full of morphine so that my eyes can't open
ￂﾠ I hold these fears to myself, having only ever shared them on this blog
ￂﾠ I know that only a few will read them, strangers to my life in many ways, but its my one place of total release
ￂﾠ I can write this so easily because I know that those close never read this, so they don't know the thoughts that race through my mind
ￂﾠ ￂﾠ Hubby can feel the change in my demure, he says since the scan I seem down and I always talk about it
I told him its usually the only time we do talk about it
ￂﾠ The period of getting the results makes us talk about it, this lasts a few weeks then it is never normally mentioned until the next results
ￂﾠ This time is different, the meso is more aggressive than it has been over the last 2 years, not that I have the size of one of Mavis's tumoursￂﾠsitting in my chest, but its the heart area again that scares me so much
ￂﾠ That's another thing this time, usually they quote the sizes of the singular tumours that have grown, none this time, just multiple scattered pleural nodules and axillary lymph nodes
ￂﾠ I wonder if my 3rd boob has grown any further than its 7cm x 7cm or how much closer it has broke upto the underlying skin of my chest
ￂﾠ ￂﾠ I need an escape from my mind, a place where mesothelioma doesn't exist
ￂﾠ I use to read the macmillan sites, once they finally got a section for meso, but they made me depressed
ￂﾠ I haven't been on the site for a year or so
ￂﾠNow I've joined face book and some days that makes me feel the same
ￂﾠ Yet here I am writing my heart out and bringing sadness to my blog
ￂﾠ I know that if I do Chemo I won't be going anywhere, I'll end up with weight loss, my stomach lining destroyed, my water works won't be normal again for a good 6 months, maybe it might be different this time
ￂﾠ Why is it some can just go through chemo so easily, by day 4 I haven't a stomach - food and water are like acid the minute they leave my mouth and travel the distance of my throat to the intestines, three days of pure agony, then the slow climb back to stability - but I will do it, I have to do it as I don't want to die, I'm not ready to die, I'm too young to die!ￂﾠ How do we prepare ourselves for death
ￂﾠ It could be years without doing anything if it was just in my lung, my left lung is shot anyway but the heart, why did it have to come back there!ￂﾠ Why can't they go in and slice it off, peel it like an orange



I know they can't but it doesn't stop my brain from yelling this out every minute of every hour
ￂﾠ Will the trial work?ￂﾠ Will I even get on the trial?ￂﾠ Should I do Chemo instead of the Trial? ￂﾠ I need direction but hubby has reiterated the fact that whatever I do I will blame myself for not doing the right thing but then every decision I have made so far as kept me alive, each choice since 07 has been mine
ￂﾠ I toyed with the idea that I did the surgery too early, on reading the doctors notes back I did it at the right time, any later and I would have been ruled out as it would have been through the chest wall
ￂﾠ I have deferred this scan because I wanted one last good summer with hubby, I knew it was getting bad but I wanted to keep it out of my mind, I had wrote before that my heart was heavy and I feared it was there, April 11 it was showing its ugly head near the heart, it was just a matter of time
ￂﾠ So here I am feeling sorry for myself, not an attitude I wish to have for long
ￂﾠ I get sick and tired of hearing be positive, you've done so well, you have had so long
ￂﾠ I know a guy who was diagnosed the same time as me, he is ill now, but over the same length of time has had only 3 sets of treatments me, I have loads to last the same length of time, have I had Quality - I'm not sure atￂﾠtimes but I did have life
ￂﾠ ￂﾠ No one has the same disease, it is different in each and every one of us and that's what you have to remember my meso friends



some can have chemo and it doesn't affect them but stops the meso, other have a terrible time and no remission, some have both
ￂﾠ Some have meso that is a sheet, others a little thickening, others a couple of over large tumours
ￂﾠ Some have mixed strains, it doesn't matter we are all different, hence the problems the medicalￂﾠbuffins have to fix us
ￂﾠ ￂﾠ Tomorrow is another day, thanks for letting me get this out, hopefully my brain will stop yelling meso at me and let me get back to having a life, just wish it was without pain
ￂﾠ They say we can get you on top of the pain but at what cost, zombie Jan isn't who I want to be, so I live with the pain
ￂﾠ ￂﾠ Today I went with the dogs and hubby over the fields, the wind was so bad I had to turn around and wait in the car, Bear didn't know which way to go - follow me or hubby
ￂﾠ In the end he followed hubby but kept stopping and looking for me
ￂﾠ It doesn't just affect me or you it affects everyone in some way
ￂﾠ I sat in the car and wondered will I get to be here next summer and hopefully be able to go out everyday with the dogs, it didn't happen this year - we didn't have a summer! ￂﾠ On that cheerful note to end such a terrible posting I bid you a good day and hope and pray that none of you are feeling this way or facing this at the moment
ￂﾠ If you are please feel free to let it out on an email to me, somehow it always takes your own worries away when you worry about someone else