Wed_Feb_27_08:00:45_PST_2019

We went to bed late for us, around 11 as I just didn't want to lie down
ￂﾠ I was tired and soon drifted off to sleep
ￂﾠ One good thing happened during the night I was up twice needing to pee
ￂﾠ ￂﾠ At 6 am I woke with the sweats, my body was drenched and I was in pain, my ribs felt like they were being pulled apart and forced open
ￂﾠ My stomach hurt as did my chest, the weight felt like I was going to be crushed and then the bile started to burn
ￂﾠ I laid for an hour trying to get back to sleep but unable to settle
ￂﾠ Then it started, the breathing felt restricted, the hot and cold clamminess
ￂﾠ I didn't know whether I wanted to be up or down
ￂﾠ My ribs and heart felt like they were struggling to do their jobs
ￂﾠ Hubby blamed having the scan, insinuating that if I hadn't had the scan I wouldn't be in this mess, I think he thinks it is mentally brought on
ￂﾠ I shouted at him that I had had a few days of this on the cruise, I've never raised my voice that way
ￂﾠ He realised it was a stupid thing to say because I was having the symptoms before the scan, I guess he was hoping it was psychosomatic rather than real
ￂﾠ I came downstairs and took my temp, 35
8, mesothelioma warpath temperature
ￂﾠ I still didn't know what I wanted, I couldn't sit as my chest felt compressed, I couldn't stand as I felt weak
ￂﾠ Hot and cold waves washing over my body
ￂﾠ I decided to take some diazepam to help relieve the muscles and hopefully send me to the land of nod
ￂﾠ As my eyes started to feel tired again I went and sat on the recliner in the lounge, he kept saying breath in and out until I finally fell asleep
ￂﾠ I have woken some 3 hours later, my mouth is dry but the hot and cold sweats have gone, my ribs still feel constricted but at least I am back to a former shadow of myself
ￂﾠ He was going to ring for an ambulance but really what could they do with me in hospital
ￂﾠ I am scared of these events, you start believing this is the end and how do we manage and cope
ￂﾠ You think it is never going to end and you will spend the rest of your days like this
ￂﾠ The additional pain, anxiety etc makes quality look nonexistence
ￂﾠ I am worried about going on holiday, these events happen anytime without warning and I did have a couple on the boat
ￂﾠ We will lose a lot of money if we don't go, we have booked a very expensive suite, why a suite, well if one of these events occurs it is good for hubby not to have to sit on top of me in one room
ￂﾠ Plus space is needed so I can pace
ￂﾠ Once the morning is out of the way I do normally recover and feel better, this morning I am not fully recovering
ￂﾠ My extended tummy is the main cause of the pressure on my ribs and I am at a loss as to what can be done
ￂﾠ I can feel my right lung isn't very well, pain is floating from my shoulder down to the centre of my right side
ￂﾠ ￂﾠ As my journey through my battle with meso has been long term so many different elements have taken place, from the pleurisy in my left lung to the 10 weekly pains and restrictions felt in my heart now to feeling a horse is sitting on top of my chest
ￂﾠ I have never heard of the stomach being filled with fluid, in all my years this is the first timeￂﾠI have ever heard of it, is it natural?ￂﾠ ￂﾠ I need answers but no medical professional is willing to give them
ￂﾠ In most casesￂﾠthe fluid will just keep comingￂﾠback but as I am not pooling in great amounts in anyone place they can't just keep sticking drains in everywhere, I need to think of infection as well as seeding
ￂﾠￂﾠMy one hope still is the fluid has no cancer cells in it and it is caused by the right lung irritating the abdomen or the left diaphragm doing the same
ￂﾠ I have begged God to please take this away
ￂﾠ I don't want to be a hero or a martyr to the cause, I just want to have a good quality of life
ￂﾠ A good quality can only be achieved by removing the problem and we all know that isn't going to happen
ￂﾠ I also thought about chemo, could I really put myself through that again, the way my stomachￂﾠwould make bile come up into my throat, not just a light bile but the yellow and orange thick gloopy stuff that couldn't wash down the sink
ￂﾠ It is no fun for hubby either as he said he feels useless, what can he do but be there but feels like a limp Christmas tree that can't support any decorations
ￂﾠ I feel for him too, and as a patient I seem to look to him for strength and answers of what to do
ￂﾠ He obviously doesn't have them
ￂﾠ ￂﾠ I love life, I love being alive and spending it with hubby, the dogs, working and even writing
ￂﾠ I sometimes feel good about being able to help someone else through this terrible death march we are walking on but I don't think I have the strength to keep going under the pain and duress my body is now facing
ￂﾠ ￂﾠ I hear many don't have pain, they just are breathless and little pain, then somehow they go to sleep and never wake up
ￂﾠ Some have terrible pain and are kept near zonked the entire time
ￂﾠ How do they cope
ￂﾠ Can I cope, I don't mentally feel this is the end, it feels like another round of torture that I must go through
ￂﾠ Yes I am talking from my heart, I am telling you it as I feel
ￂﾠ ￂﾠ If I could just get rid of one thing, the stomach fluid then maybe I will feel better
ￂﾠￂﾠIt is obvious to me now that the fluid has been building up for some 20 weeks, probably since I did my back
ￂﾠ If I had never done my back I would have had all those weeks of glorious good health, with a few adrenalin rushes, but overall good quality
ￂﾠ The onco said we can't treat the side effects unless we treat the illness, as they aren't treating the illness then I guess my side effects of mesothelioma are going to get worse
ￂﾠ I honestly don't think I can bear anymore pain or things that go wrong
ￂﾠ ￂﾠ Remember Love Story, it was a movie about a young girl who had cancer and refused treatment, it was made in the 70's
ￂﾠ It showed how she slowly died to cancer, but it never showed pain it was based on emotions of losing a loved one
ￂﾠ Nothing on TV or film actually shows the true pain we go through
ￂﾠ Do we want to know in advance, I don't know, but as Lou said yesterday on Skype, we all travel a different journey through the cancer until it comes to the end, then we all go the same way
ￂﾠ I just hope that not many of you have to go through the terrible things I have endured on my journey
ￂﾠ If someone out there has experienced this form of events or is experiencing it, please reach out to me, I need to know what I am facing
ￂﾠ Maybe those additional tablets I keep in the cupboard may be used for other than pain relief when things get too bad
ￂﾠ I may never be in control of this disease but I will ensure I am in control of how I end it
ￂﾠ I know that many other warriors world wide are fighting hard, in the UK we don't have the resources that the USA or Australia have but I do know from the many emails I receive that we are better than many other countries
ￂﾠ This fight should be world wide, but like everything else organisations become political too and that stops the common fight of us all
ￂﾠ Always some one wanting to outdo some one else instead of pulling together as a group
ￂﾠ On that note I am finishing this posting, I don't want sympathy but need help in understanding what my body is now having to face
ￂﾠ I can't be the first to have gone through so much over the years, my symptoms have often been so different but I can't be the only one
ￂﾠ My healing group are sending me healing everyday, I would hate to think I wasn't receiving that either, maybe things would be a whole lot worse
ￂﾠ ￂﾠ