Sat_Mar_30_16:00:39_PDT_2019

I woke up Friday morning feeling crap
ￂﾠ My overloaded, heavy stomach, and chest breaking ribs were painful
ￂﾠ I had had sweats too
ￂﾠ I pulled myself round and off we set for Darlington and the Woodlands private hospital
ￂﾠ I was nervous, to say the least
ￂﾠ I was taken into the Ultra Sound room and put a gown on, I asked if hubby could come, she said no, not at the moment
ￂﾠ I told her I would need him to hold his hand
ￂﾠ She actually seemed a little unfriendly at first, so I went and got changed
ￂﾠ The ultra sound started once Dr Dean came in, he remembered doing my stomach test and asked how I was doing
ￂﾠ I told him about the ascites
ￂﾠ He told me he hadn't been told he was supposed to be removing any fluid and wasn't organised to do it
ￂﾠ I was gutted, although I felt terrible I knew it was the fluid that is making me feel this way
ￂﾠ He showed me a picture of the fluid, my liver has moved away from where it should be and a large black pool stood out, all fluid
ￂﾠ He said I didn't have any pockets and withdrawing it wouldn't be difficult
ￂﾠ Which brought questions about what had happened on the ward when they withdrew the stuff
ￂﾠ I am so upset that it didn't happen, apart from anything else it will only leave me 10 days to try and get my stomach a little toned up after being stretched for so long!ￂﾠ You may feel that is a bit of vanity there, which it is, but we are due to go back on holiday and having six inches of skin hanging over your trousers isn't pleasant
ￂﾠ So next weekￂﾠthey try again although I will be admitted
ￂﾠ At first he said he would put the drain in then not come back till 6pm and remove it
ￂﾠ I said no way, the minute that drain stops working it comes out, I wasn't going through the pain I did the other week
ￂﾠ Strange when the fluid stops the drain hurts, I think it's something to do with suction, no fluid it starts pushing against any organ or tissue inside
ￂﾠ We agreed that if it stops it could be removed by the MO on duty
ￂﾠ On a different note he told me the name of another oncologist
ￂﾠ I told him I didn't want to upset my current one but he didn't want to give me any more chemo and that was my only hope
ￂﾠ Also it is better to be treated locally and, if say, one of the specialists down south was willing to let someone else administer it surely its better to be done here
ￂﾠ He told me it wasn't my responsibility whether the oncologist was upset or not, it was my life and I had to do everything in my power to preserve it
ￂﾠ No other persons feelings should come into it only my own
ￂﾠ I'm not totally sure whether the fluid is making me feel ill, but then during last night I had a terrible time
ￂﾠ I took both water tablets yesterday, watching TV between 8 and 10
30 I visited the toilet every 30 minutes, mind I did have 2 Bacardi and cokes
ￂﾠ Then we went to bed, every hour I was up, and passing quite a lot of water
ￂﾠ At 3
45 I started to sweat badly, my stomach felt extremely heavy
ￂﾠ I didn't get back to sleep properly because I couldn't get comfortable
ￂﾠ At 5
40 I was starting to panic, the pain in my ribs felt like they were being forced out ward, the ones just under your heart
The skin over my lump felt like it was wanting to split apart, the tightness was terrible
ￂﾠ I wondered whether I was dehydrated but I was also clammy
ￂﾠ I woke hubby up, should I call an ambulance, I couldn't cope another week with this growing inside
ￂﾠ I wasn't sure whether to get up and walk around, may be the fluid would move around and not make my body feel like it was exploding
ￂﾠ He was tired and half awake, so trying to talk me down was quite hard work for him
ￂﾠ I think I had slept on my back quite a lot which had made the fluid more heavy on the internal organs
ￂﾠ ￂﾠ He talked me into taking a diazepam to help me calm down and maybe get me back to sleep
ￂﾠ He was frightened in case I started having a full on adrenalin rush again (understandable)
ￂﾠ So I took a 5mg, it put me back to sleep
ￂﾠ Bear came and shoved his great big snout in my face at 6
30, I just couldn't fully open my eyes, he tried 3 times to wake me but I couldn't fully come round
ￂﾠ Poor Boy, he went and laid down, but I think he needed to pee
ￂﾠ It can't be nice for him, remember what its like when you wake up 30 minutes before the alarm wanting to pee and you lie there instead of getting up
ￂﾠ You waste that 30 minutes because you can't go back to sleep! ￂﾠ The next thing it was 10
15 and believe it or not, although still sweaty and still feeling extremely bloated I had got over the worst
ￂﾠ I came down to find hubby already drinking a coffee
ￂﾠ Although I doubt he slept much from 5
45
ￂﾠ ￂﾠ So here we are, another day, another 7 until this stomach is empty
ￂﾠ I am not sure whether I can last that long
ￂﾠ Maybe if the NHS send me an appointment for this week for a retry I will go there, but I can't see that happening! ￂﾠ Today is going to be a nothing day, I am exhausted
ￂﾠ Have to decide whether I take two tablets together or separately
ￂﾠ Or just stay on one!ￂﾠ I am down to 9
8 but that's because my food intake is that of a mouse
ￂﾠ ￂﾠ I always said when I started this blog I would write as honestly as I could, maybe it is hard for some of you who have started reading my blog because you are facing this cancer
ￂﾠ As the years go by it does get harder
ￂﾠ Our options are less and the meso spreads, if you are unlucky
ￂﾠ I am still hopeful that I will keep on battling but we have to be realistic sometimes, things just don't always go the way we want
ￂﾠ I am pleased to say Lou, my Australian fighter, has come through the chemo and you can catch up with her on her blog
ￂﾠ My fellow bloggers are all at different stages right now, Steve is skiing just after completing chemo (now that's a tough guy), Steve