Mon_Apr_15_08:00:46_PDT_2019

It does feel good to still be here, especially at the tender age of 44 I didn't think I would see 45 let alone 46, now I've hit 51 and hopefully I will still be here planning my 55th, neigh 60th!
ￂﾠ To be honest I didn't even realise it was my birthday approaching like a rapid rate of knots until Wednesday and Shirley at Healing gave me a birthday card
ￂﾠ I am so absorbed in the housing that datesￂﾠ just don't exist
One thing I have certainly learnt for my 52nd year is that I am either wanting to battle or wanting to hide away from meso
ￂﾠ I spent the majority of my life working and fitting nothing else in, now that I should be fitting other stuff instead of work I just haven't the energy, or as I wrote to my meso mate, is it because it just isn't in my personality anyway
ￂﾠ Today was wonderful, we actually got back over the fields, the grass has been chopped down so no fear of it annoying Bear's neck or Lexi's bum
ￂﾠ The dogs truly enjoyed the freedom of a few acres instead of the third they have to make do with at home
ￂﾠ Bear's nostral's never stopped, they seem to go into overdrive when he has a scent of something
ￂﾠ I had hoped we would have had some good sunbathing weather but then you can't have everything! The other thing I have noticed is that everyone around me brings up meso more than I do, or appointments or the 'what treatment are you going to do next' question
ￂﾠ Cancer is a scarey word but everyday someone out there wants to remind you of it
ￂﾠ Then why do I write a blog about it then

I started because I wanted to tell others about cryo, then somehow it became a journal of how I felt
ￂﾠ Good job I wasn't writing my blogￂﾠwhen on chemo like Amanda is on theirs
ￂﾠ I remember Lorraine asking me to start my story and I found part of it, if I had been doing the blog I think I would have turned everyone off the thought of ever trying alimta
It was that bad even I didn't read past the first two paragraphs,ￂﾠ I am pleased I didn't use it on the website story either
Funny I am already starting to wonder if our summer next year will be better, always the optimist, but its true
ￂﾠ Mal at work said something about 12 weeks time will be November and I thought where does the time go and what have I done with it
ￂﾠ Nothing is the answer, we are all guilty of the same so what is life about
ￂﾠ We get up, shower, dress, go to work\shop\visit, we cook, eat, watch TV then go to bed to do the exact same thing the next day,ￂﾠwe call this living and hold onto it with all our might
ￂﾠ I feel silly worrying about a couple of mm growing,ￂﾠbut then I have been through so much to have a few mm growing back that I think I'm annoyed it dare come back
ￂﾠ All that chemo, cryo and surgery
ￂﾠ I know there are no guarantees but seriously I didn't think it would come back after surgery
ￂﾠ I had heard about it, hence why I didn't eventure there earlier, but maybe I could have waited a little longer
ￂﾠ Would I really have been pushing up daisies if I hadn't had it done when I did?ￂﾠ Would it be better to have surgery earlier before the meso really does make itself at home
ￂﾠￂﾠ What are our choices for treatments really, not a lot, 2 chemo's, surgery,ￂﾠablation - but only on large tumours to relieve painￂﾠ(and hopefully slow spreading down), Prof Vogl's chemo direct to the lung, or nothing
ￂﾠ If you don't agree with chemo will Prof V's work?ￂﾠ Not enough stats on any of the above
ￂﾠ See I'm back to thinking about treatments, why can't I just concentrate on the enjoyment of life and quality of time!ￂﾠ Spending my free time worrying over what to do is such a waste but I can't seem to get my brain into thatￂﾠway of thinking
ￂﾠ A good surgeon keeps telling me quality is much more important than quantity


but what is quality

going to work\shopping\visiting friends? I remember the first year and we travelled, I seemed to have more enthusiasm to do things and spend time with people, now I just want to grow old with hubby and dogs, dieￂﾠin contemptment in old age from a heart attack not be robbed by meso
ￂﾠￂﾠUp until your 40's you don't really think of old age, your parents are starting to get there but in your eyes they are still the same
ￂﾠ When you loose them you suddenly seem to realise old age - the downfalls of getting old andￂﾠeven worse noticing you are getting there yourself
ￂﾠￂﾠTime to close otherwise you willￂﾠbe requesting your zimmer frame before you reach the end of this
Keepￂﾠenjoying life and everything that makes you happy - or at least try!ￂﾠ