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On the internet todayￂﾠthere are so many sites to choose from to discover information on Mesothelioma ￂﾠ Over the last couple of weeks I have swapped doing my blog and asked people who work for these organisations to write and tell us why they think their work is important and their goal in helping us ￂﾠ Today is Ben Leer's story, he works for Asbestos Com, who have just revamped their website, I think its the first time in over 5 years, I must say I like the new format, easier to find what you are looking for Fighting the Good Fight Nowadays, most people hear about asbestos and mesothelioma from TV commercials Some of us might even know someone that has been exposed to asbestos or someone diagnosed with mesothelioma cancer But few truly understand the dangers and that there is a much larger picture that spans back decades that can easily be forgotten or ignored When you begin to look into the history of asbestos you find out how it was used in...

It has been a long day and waiting for the clock to turn to your appointment time is like waiting for ice to thaw in the Antarctic but the time came and off we went ÿ Â

We may look great on the outside, we look normal and healthy, well nearly if you don't watch how lopsided we can walk due to pain and the fact that one side of our body is heavier due to the weight of cancer bearing down in our lung ÿ Â

I decided to take myself off on one of these healing weeks, I actually managed the drive of 4 hours down the road and still felt good, a miracle in itself, although I did have company in the car ￂﾠ The first night I was extremely shattered but the accommodation was that of the 1940's and I had a single bed which I duly fell out of during the night ￂﾠ The building is said to be haunted, the haunting I had was my room mate snoring!ￂﾠ I did find it tiring and sitting for long periods of time was quite hard on the side, Monday night I found I cat napped and so Tuesday the pain started building up ￂﾠ We had a full energy healing session on the Tuesday evening, everyone laid on the floor for 45 minutes and the energies were given out (don't ask), as I laid there I felt my ribs get tighter and my chest feel constricted ￂﾠ An hour later I found myself in bed tired but catnapping The bed was uncomfortable which didn't help and I just started regretting being away from home ...

It has been a strange couple of days, the 15th was my 1st year anniversary since surgery and even John my surgeon sent me a anniversary message ￂﾠ I had posted a card to him also but I know he hadn't received it by his message I thought it would be a hard weekend on hubby but even my best friend Lorraine called up and she was reliving the day ￂﾠ I hadn't realised how on edge they both were ￂﾠ Having arrived at Sheffield at 4 00 pm expecting me to be in PCU I was still in surgery and they waited another 5 hours for me to come out ￂﾠ My only memories are of waking at 3 am and wishing I was dead then being hoisted in the air and nearly crying with pain, then my first night on PCU, when I was so uncomfortable and the nurse called Richard looked at me with despair in his eyes as I just could not get comfortable and wanted to rip all the wires and tubes out of my body!ￂﾠ Seems I missed quite a few hours out! I am still alive though and without that surgery and all the pain...

Where would I be without my meso circle? You have been there for so many years, long before I actually started to blog and I do appreciate the friendships we have made, the emails we share ￂﾠ Even though I have never met many of youￂﾠI feel that we have all been together fighting this battle together ￂﾠ We pick each other up at times of need, show empathy when required and make each other laugh with the odd joke or comment on normal life ￂﾠ Part of me wishes I had started the blog a long time before, but I wasn't sure how to create one, but there again through chemo I think I may have wrote comments that would turn everyone against even trying it ￂﾠ Hubby and I were discussing chemo last night and how I will feel during it ￂﾠ He said if I had wrote about it then maybe I would stay well away from it, which made me say something like "When I'm gone you can always read my blog if you want to remember something" didn't that sound cold and heartless ￂﾠ...

I know I don't know how I dare complain when everyone is going through such a tough time but since that episode that put me in hospital for a night my heart has been acting up ￂﾠ Maybe it is because I know the pointer on the ECG went down instead of up, and to be honest I didn't really take the Doc that seriously on the ward when she said she wasn't happy for me to leave but then it was a weekend and nothing gets done in hospitals over that period so she kindly let me go Yet over the past 3 weeks I have had this heaviness in my heart, strange really as my other pains seem to have stepped back while this one takes centre stage ￂﾠ My breathing has been fine, my heart area seems to hurt the most on a morning and by early evening it isn't as prominent but still there ￂﾠ Have managed to make an appointment with my GP so maybe he will give some light to this, and of course I have an echo graph coming up next week I wonder if my downstroke will have become normal agai...

Yesterday was the day I had looked forward to for weeks, the relief of having my stomach drained and feeling human ￂﾠ I didn't wake up feeling human and I was also petrified that there wasn't a bed for me on ward 14 at James Cook ￂﾠ At 8 30 we got our answer, in the shower and off we went ￂﾠ I was there early as they needed another blood test and then I was finally taken down to radiotherapy ￂﾠ ￂﾠ Dr Dean once again started with little needle then bigger and boy did a few hurt as they proceeded to push their way through my abdomen to get to the fluid ￂﾠ I really don't want to go through this again as it isn't pleasant ￂﾠ We talked about the drains they leave in place but he was quite happy to drain again, maybe having the same thoughts that my fluid was caused by the flight ￂﾠ The pigtail drain went in and out he started syringing one after the other of straw coloured liquid ￂﾠ He hadn't read the scan (and I thought private was efficient!)...

I don't know what happened but on coming home to the house finally warm again hubby was sat in the office looking quite pleased with himself On my desk lay a single piece of paper with the most beautiful poem on he had written ￂﾠ Being a little more creative I have added it to a wedding photo I just didn't know what to say but it brough tears to my eyes, he is shy and would hate to think I published it but it is too beautiful to keep to myself

Hope this week is better than last, the weather put me off going into the office quite a bit but more so was my damn stomach ￂﾠ Whether its because I know what is causing it or whether it is just getting worse I don't know ￂﾠ On top of everything else we have both had a bug, the one that makes you rush to the loo!ￂﾠ It isn't much fun feeling crap to start with then having additional low stomach pains too ￂﾠ Although I've was at home most of last week I've scarely been on face book or blogging, I am in one of those I don't know what I want moods ￂﾠ Stupid really as we have been given such good news I should still be high on it, yet I feel so down ￂﾠ I guess my stomach problem is to blame for this feeling, if I could just have one morning where I woke up feeling good it would make all the difference ￂﾠ It is annoying as I have no pains from the meso that are getting me down, I would be Normal if it wasn't for this blasted stomach, sorry ...

We went to bed late for us, around 11 as I just didn't want to lie down ￂﾠ I was tired and soon drifted off to sleep ￂﾠ One good thing happened during the night I was up twice needing to pee ￂﾠ ￂﾠ At 6 am I woke with the sweats, my body was drenched and I was in pain, my ribs felt like they were being pulled apart and forced open ￂﾠ My stomach hurt as did my chest, the weight felt like I was going to be crushed and then the bile started to burn ￂﾠ I laid for an hour trying to get back to sleep but unable to settle ￂﾠ Then it started, the breathing felt restricted, the hot and cold clamminess ￂﾠ I didn't know whether I wanted to be up or down ￂﾠ My ribs and heart felt like they were struggling to do their jobs ￂﾠ Hubby blamed having the scan, insinuating that if I hadn't had the scan I wouldn't be in this mess, I think he thinks it is mentally brought on ￂﾠ I shouted at him that I had had a few days of this on the cruise, I've never raised my voic...

Of all the times, and as usual when the weather is at it's worst something happens to our heating, this time though its down to us, we didn't check the gas oil! ￂﾠ I am freezing, the electric fire I bought for the kitchen because the 2 radiators in there aren't powerful enough to keep the room warm,( in fact one doesn't even heat up!) has diedￂﾠa death ￂﾠ The electric fire in the lounge is loosing the will to live, the cold air is whistling down the back of it and blowing more cold than warm ￂﾠ We have the coal fireￂﾠlit in the office, thankfully we had some coal brought down and am I pleased but hubby doesn't understand that once I get cold no matter how many layers I put on I don't warm up ￂﾠ Changing from one room to the other makes me feel worse ￂﾠ You have to pee after all!ￂﾠ We only have twoￂﾠrooms with any heating in, the lounge and the office ￂﾠ I am thinking of packing my things and going to stay at my mam's empty house, although ...

Yesterday my Macmillan nurse called in early, as she was sat chatting that terrible pain started, I took 60 morphine straight away, it took 20 minutes before it faded in to the back ground, she checked my stats, my oxy had dropped down to 96 but my heart was racing at 127, once the pain settled my 02 had risen to 98 but the heart ad only dropped to 109, my heart s certainly working hard After that I did have a pain free day, the second half of the borrowed chair arrived so bedtime will be easier ￂﾠBefore bed I took another tamazepam which helped make me tired, the lift stopped me getting breathless and going to bed was a pleasure ￂﾠI remember Gary cuddling into me and that was it ￂﾠI woke at 3 25 wondered whether I needed to visit the loo, but no I told myself to go back to sleep ￂﾠNext thing it was 7 45, time to get up ￂﾠNo pain! My colleague from work was coming at 10 and I needed to shower and wash my damp sweaty hair, which I actually managed ￂﾠAs soon as...

Its Friday, to many it's the end of a long week at work, to me it's another day house bound!ￂﾠ But I have to say yesterday I actually got my finger out and worked ￂﾠ Yes, that single brain cell decided it had had enough of watching mindless TV or reading and browsing the internet ￂﾠ I am sure we sit in front of the computer just for something to do and keep us occupied ￂﾠ Gosh I could have started and finished knitting a blanket by now ￂﾠ Yes, seriously, I am thinking of knitting, this will keep my hands busy and maybe slow down the nasty habit I picked up again, shssh we don't mention the word ￂﾠ Yesterday was a busy day, the District nurse arrived to clean and dress the pipe, guess what this idiot did, she was holding both the pipe and the drainage pipe together and pulled, sorry rephrase that, tugged the wrong one ￂﾠ Wow did that give a jolt through the old abdomen wall I can tell you ￂﾠ Won't do that again in a hurry ￂﾠ My young understudy...